I can only be with him if I'm thin - part 4

Title: I can only be with him if I'm thin

Author : attentionseekin
Pairing: HoMin
Rating: PG13
Summary: Why do they keep trying to feed me?
Warnings: Anorexia nervosa..? (If that’s a warning…?)


Disclaimer : I own nothing!! Plot and story belongs toattentionseekin
                  @ http://attentionseekin.livejournal.com/11916.html . I Just want to shared it at all!!


[Chapter 4]

Dear Diary,

It was our day off and I spent it at the gym. Yunho gave me a funny look, but I told him I was going because the physicians suggested I build up my muscles.
Yunho didn't even try that hard to stop me... after that. He was too damn busy hanging out with Jaejoong hyung and Junsu... Bastards.
Just because they don't have to work as hard to look good... Why wasn't I blessed with a small waist like those two?
No matter, I’ll just have to exercise my flabby waist away, maybe then Yunho will want to... touch me...

Fuck... I sound like a girl...

Changmin

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Three weeks it had been since the concert, one week since the end of the argument and Yunho had put the past behind him much to Changmin's delight and distress.Changmin had only just started to diet but it was proving harder than he thought it would be.

[a week ago]

Changmin went to the corner shop whilst everyone sat to eat lunch after dance practice. Disguised in a woolly hat and sunglasses, Changmin went into a stationary store nearby and purchased a diary. It wasn't until later on that night, that Changmin was about to write his first entry. Sitting in the middle of the beds that he and Yunho had pushed together, Changmin laid on the bed with the diary a pen and a few other things.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
 

“Dear Diary,

I'm going to start writing in you until I have reached my final goal… I have decided I will lose three stones of fat, and build muscle. Muscle is the healthy weight, right?

I'm writing in you so I don’t go too crazy, and also, so I know how much fat I'm putting into my huge belly... Damn I feel like a girl, but it can't be helped, idols have to look good too right?

Firstly I'll need to write my measurements (so I know how much I’m losing):

chest:
waist:
hips:
thigh:
arms:

Main objective…

• go on a fast…
• make sure no one finds out…
• Get down to a Norma-

Changmin would’ve written down his measurements and written more if he were able to, but at that time Yunho decided that he’d sneak up on his boyfriend, who in his eyes was cutely sitting down on their shared bed writing in a book.

“what you up to babe?” Yunho casually asked as he sat at the edge of the bed.

Changmin's head snapped up quickly as shut the book and pushed the tape measure off the bed. Due to the soft carpet in their room the sound wasn't recognised as Changmin sat up in the bed, staring at his boyfriend.

Yunho was holding a leg of chicken in his hand as he tilted his head to the side in question. Changmin still didn't reply as he was too busy watching Yunho, as the man brought the meat to his mouth before, biting down and moaning in enjoyment. Changmin’s could only stare at Yunho, mouth gaping open a bit. The way Yunho moaned was a sin and Changmin felt his body reacting as he watched the older male lick his lips to get the juice at the corner of his mouth; Changmin himself almost moaned at the sight… but that wasn’t the only thing- could Changmin really call a piece of meat sexy? The way the meat was ripped off the bone by Yunho’s strong teeth turned him on all the more, and when Yunho swallowed the mouthful Changmin pounced.

Both of them began to roll on the bed laughing, Yunho still holding on tight to the chicken bone. Both were laughing until Yunho unconsciously ruined the mood.

“Yah Changmin, don't be such a pig! There's more in the kitchen” Yunho joked when Changmin made another attempt to grab the chicken leg with his mouth.

Changmin recoiled at the insult, even though he knew Yunho was joking. Yunho was still laughing not noticing that Changmin had stopped trying to take the piece of meat away. When he did finally noticed he gasped out loud ready to apologise when Changmin sat up with a weak smile on his face.

“You're right Yunho, you stay here I’ll be back later!!” Changmin strained voice said as he scrambled off the bed and ran out the door. Yunho sighed in relief not noticing the Change in Changmin's voice. Eating the rest of his chicken, e threw the bone in the bin and laid back on the bed. From now on he'd have to be more careful he thought to himself.

Outside the bedroom door Changmin was slightly panting as he replayed the scene. What the hell was he thinking?! How could he be tempted by all those carbs? And now he even had to go to the kitchen to get some of the chicken he should be staying away from!? Changmin was still stuck to the door, when Jaejoong came walking down the corridor and saw him.

“You ok baby?” Jaejoong said, feeling Changmin's head.

Jaejoong was never one for caring about other people's personal space, and always stepped into Changmin's and the others freely.

“You feel kinda hot; come, I know exactly what you need.” Jaejoong answered his own question bringing Changmin along with him.

Changmin was going to protest, but as he didn't really want to go into the kitchen any ways, he took this as a positive thing. Jaejoong lead them to the sitting room and told Changmin to sit down on the sofa. Whilst Changmin sat back into the comfy cushions he looked at the fan mail sorted in their piles.

Sitting up he looked for his pile and was surprised to see that AGAIN his pile was the highest. Some minutes later Jaejoong came back into the room carrying a bowl of soup and some medicine on a tray. Resting the tray down carefully on the side table. He sat next to Changmin hugging him from the side.

“I know, I’m as shocked as you are!” Jaejoong spoke dramatically. “*sniff* where did all my fans go?, YOU stole them didn't you? I knew they shouldn't have cut your hair, now you're too sexy~~” Jaejoong whined and then sighed.

Changmin laughed at his silly hyung showing the first smile of that day.

Jaejoong had been worried about Changmin as Yunho still hadn't told him what he and Changmin was fighting about and Changmin hadn't smiled properly since. Although it had only been a few weeks, it was unusual for Changmin to be this down. The work load wasn't as bad since they had successfully finished the concert tour and were getting ready for their new projects, and Changmin had completed all of his coursework, and so Jaejoong just didn't know what to make of it.

Changmin was the kind to hold things to himself and that's what worried Jaejoong, but Jaejoong didn't want to pry unless it was necessary. 'Plus Minnie has Yunho who he tells everything to and so I shouldn't get depressed like this' Jaejoong thought to himself.

Shaking his head, to uplift him from his worries his face turned into a smirk

“So lover-boy, just how many hearts are you breaking? Can I open some and see?” Jaejoong asked pouting at the end.

The quick changes in Jaejoong’s face was starting to creep Changmin out a little and so he he stood up and picked up his mail.

“Nope!” he smiled cutely before dashing out the room.

“Hey~ no fair~ I wanna read some tooo~!!!” Jaejoong wailed as he chased after Changmin who was laughing as he ran into Yoochun's bedroom.

Yoochun was sitting at his keyboard with his headphones in. Junsu was sitting next to Yoochun on a stool watching Yoochun as he played. Junsu also had a pair of headphones on.

Changmin ignored the banging on the door and walking with the handful of letters towards his two hyungs. Unknowingly one of the letters fell onto the floor, and flowed under the bed. Changmin stooped and lent over Junsu to see what was on the paper Junsu was holding in his hands.

Feeling the presence Junsu looked up only to be met with the maknae looming over him.

“AAAHH!!! What the heck Min ah?” Junsu yelled in shock as he rested his hands above his heart, trying to calm down. Yoochun however, coolly stopped playing and looked up.

“What's up Min? It's really late, shouldn't you be sleeping? You, Yunho hyung, and Jae have an early morning at the radio station right? Yoochun asked as he stretched his back and arms.

Changmin nodded still reading the lyrics. The song was sad and beautiful at the same time. 'did Junsu write this or Yoochun?' Changmin wondered before looking at the key of the lyrics that was written at the top of the page. 'oh, Junsu...' Changmin figured.

“So what's this?” Changmin asked to the two.

“Oh, Chun is just helping me write the music for a song I'm working on.” Junsu replied hiding the piece of paper from Changmin's sight with his arm. Not noticing Changmin read some of the unfinished lyrics out.

“Rain in my heart,
The tears won't stop, tonight
In the end, you left me behind, like something temporarily forgotten...
I miss you
This world without you trembles in the dark
It'd be nice if this was all just a dream
Though I want to see you, oh my girl
The reason I can't meet you
Is because I don't want to hear your goodbye

Baby I still love you ”* Translated lyrics of “Rainy Nights” by Junsu [from: http://www.gugalyrics.com/DBSK---JUNSU-RAINY-NIGHT-LYRICS/325787/]

“Chun's right, you should head to bed Min” Junsu said covering more of the paper.

Changmin just sighed getting a firmer hold on the letters. Straightening up he went to the door, and opened it. Jaejoong who was outside waiting jumped on him, causing the letters to fall on the ground. In panic Changmin pushed Jaejoong into the corridor and quickly picked up all the envelopes in sight. Jaejoong was sprawled out in the corridor looking at Changmin in shock.

'What's that all about?' Jaejoong’s thoughts ran, as he watched Changmin apologise and run with his post.

[Changmin's POV]

Sorry Jae hyung, but I can't let you see them. It will kill my pride. I only want you all to see the manly me, and these fan-mail might make you aware of my imperfections.

[POV End]

Scrambling out the door, Changmin passed Jaejoong and Jaejoong let him. Still confused Jaejoong went into the bedroom immediately clinging to Yoochun.

“Chunnie Bunny... have you noticed Changmin acting strange?” Jaejoong asked crawling into Yoochun's lap.

“Hmm, not since he and Yunho had that argument, but I’m sure they've patched it up, right Su?” Yoochun replied as Jaejoong snuggled into him more.

Feeling as though he was intruding in a private moment Junsu just nodded his head in reply gathering up his sheets of lyrics together.

“Oh you don't have to go anywhere Su” Jaejoong spoke as he noticed Junsu was about to leave the room. “I need to go clean the kitchen”. Placing a kiss on Yoochun's cheek Jaejoong got off him and left the room.

As soon as the door was shut Yoochun turned to Junsu and took Junsu's lyrics out of his hands. Reading them critically, Junsu swallowed hard as he could guess what Yoochun was thinking.

“This sounds like it's about Yu-” Yoochun spoke as he read.

“It's not I swear!” Junsu said in panic as Yoochun turned his head from the paper to Junsu.

The truth was, it was about Yunho. Junsu realised it was about Yunho as he was writing, and had to change a few of the words to make it seem more anonymous. How could he write a song about his hyung who was already in a relationship? Junsu's heart just couldn't seem to let him go and it showed. Especially in front of people like Yoochun.

But he had changed the lyrics so much! How could Yoochun tell?

“Su! I know you...” he looked at Junsu with pity in his eyes. “Su if it's obvious to me what do you think Changmin will make of it?” Yoochun asked.

“But I c-changed it!” Junsu replied with emotion in his voice.

“Look at your lyrics Su 'In the end, you left me behind, like something temporarily forgotten... I miss you' this screams Yunho hyung! You told me you felt dumped.”

“Well, you tell me how I can make these feeling go away and maybe I’ll write about someone who could l-love me back. And so what if I write about him?! He did leave me behind. Look how long I knew him for; look how long we were together! And then he just goes and falls in love with someone else, when I was there the whole time... the WHOLE time!!! Junsu spoke with a wobble in his voice as the tears made their way down his face. Junsu snatched back the lyrics from Yoochun's hand rubbing at his eyes angrily.

“Su, i'm sorry-” Yoochun tried to apologise, feeling bad for Junsu.

“I only asked you for help in writing the music, not to judge me. I have something going for me, I know i'm wanted, I just wanna try and make peace with how I feel. That's why I can write about it.”

Yoochun put his arm around Junsu's neck pulling him softly into a one armed hug.

“Are you sure you can just bury it?” Yoochun asked Junsu.

“i have to... Yunho deserves someone perfect for him.

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

As YooSu spoke, Changmin was in the bedroom with Yunho. Yunho had already gone to sleep, but Changmin was laying in the bed awake.

Changmin really wanted to know what the letters would say, but he was afraid. He looked at the pile on the floor where he had put them.

'I’ll just take it as constructive criticism' Changmin thought to himself as he turned on a little torch and silently opened the first letter.

-----------------

to be continued..