I got this when search for another Homin stories... it's so touching.
Title: To XX From Min
Author : kawaii_massu ( http://kawaii-massu.livejournal.com/25088.html#cutid1 )
Pairing : Yunho / Changmin
Rating : PG-13
Genre : Romance, Angst, Fluff
Author : kawaii_massu ( http://kawaii-massu.livejournal.com/25088.html#cutid1 )
Pairing : Yunho / Changmin
Rating : PG-13
Genre : Romance, Angst, Fluff
Summary : Changmin letters to someone out there
Here we go...
February 27, 2010
Dear XX,
Wherever and whoever you are, I just wanted to say hello. If you happen to find this letter and read it, I am very sorry if everything written disturbs your lovely day. I just wanted to share everything I feel at the moment.
My name… Well, you can call me Min. I’m 24 years old, and I am mute. Yes... I was born with the inability to speak. Until now, I don’t know the person who had delivered me into this world, because they left me in front of the orphanage door when I was barely three months only with a note that informing my name, my birth date and my disability. All these times I’ve been wondering, was my disability became their reason for abandoning me at the orphanage? That they didn’t want a kid with an inability to speak words for the rest of his life?
I’m not complaining though. I don’t blame them, and wherever they are, I just wish for their happiness and hoping that they will have a child whom they proud of.
Well, life was never easy for me. I do accept that I was mute, but unfortunately there were people who made fun of me. They told me that I was a weird kid who cannot speak or cry, but no matter how much they harassed me, how much they tortured me, I didn’t cry. I never felt loved, not in the orphanage, not at school. I didn’t have any friend, because for them it was annoying to have a geek friend who communicates with sign language they don’t understand. Not mention the teachers who didn’t bother to talk to me, pretending I was never in any of their classes. I understood that, so I willingly kept myself away from them, hanging around by myself at the library, reading as much as I could, because books were the only thing in the world not protesting my inability. I liked to read books, writing, and listening to songs even though I can’t sing.
When I finally graduated from high school, I was encouraged myself to get myself out of the orphanage to live by my own with the little money I had been saved since I was still at middle school. I was dreaming that someday I would free from the orphanage and find my own path of living. And yes, after leaving the orphanage, I rented a small, dirty, cheap apartment. I thought that it was okay, as long as I have a place that I could call it home, a shelter that can protect me from the world which never being kind to me. Besides, it looks wonderful once I had it cleaned.
From that day, I was living on my own and worked for paying rent, food and a saving account. I kept two jobs at the same time. At first, it was hard to find anyone who would want to hire a mute person, but an owner of the bookstore in the town gave me a job at night to arrange the books on the shelves and clean the whole shop. It was easy, but not enough, so I found another job at the mall for a cleaning service, and I worked from 8 in the morning to 5 in the afternoon. It was exhausting, but I couldn’t complain. As long as I could live and support my self, it was enough.
I continued my life with working, working and working myself out until I had enough money to pay university tuition. At the age of 20, I still have a passion to study, and I loved to study. As I told you before, I liked reading and writing, so I decided to study literature at the nearby university.
I gave up my job at the mall because of university schedules, but still keeping the job at the bookstore as I still need to earn money.
Can you guess, XX? At first, I thought that everything was going to be different when I entered the university life. I was hoping that maybe finally I could have a normal life, be sociable by having a group of friends, hang out just like everybody does, or if I were lucky enough I could find someone to love and love me unconditionally…
But I was wrong.
I put too much hope in it and once again I had to face the reality that nobody wants me; a wish that I have about that normal life shattered in an instance, because by the time they knew about my disability, they started to keep a distance away from me. Some of them even started bullying me and harassing me. My childhood life that I dreamed I wouldn’t have to face again in the future slowly but surely started to haunt me like a nightmare that won’t stop playing every time I closed my eyes.
It really hurt me so much. Didn’t I deserve some kind of appreciation and respect from others? I’m still human, for God’s sake. Whether I can speak or not, I still have the right to be treated well by people. So why? Why can’t I have a peaceful day without a bleeding nose or broken glasses or ripped books every time I walked home?
I felt enough. No more dreaming, and keeping myself away from anybody became the best solution for me to protect myself at that moment. I closed my heart for them and at this point I began to lose my faith in other people.
But XX, there’s one person, and I’m telling you, he’s different.
We met for the first time in the hallway of the university when I rushed to the bathroom to clean up my bleeding mouth after my ritual torturing, accidentally bumping to each other. He was angry when I bumped onto him and I didn’t even say sorry, but when he was taking a close look at me, he asked me, with a concerned ‘are you okay? You’re bleeding.’ I didn’t answer him though; I just quickly ran away from him.
It was a new feeling for me, when I played his concerned voice asking me over and over again in the back of my head. It was my first time having someone asked me a question like that. But shrugging it off from my mind, I didn’t put to much thought on it. But as if fate (or destiny, I don’t know) wanted him to make presence in front of me, the next day, I saw him again. From my observation, he was really different from me. He was popular, often surrounded by people, boys and girls. Everyone loved him, because he was a great student with perfect grades, and perfect appearances. He had a tall and slender body, a pair of long legs, a small but firm face with almond shaped eyes, pointy nose and also a pair of lip that everybody would like to taste. When I looked at the reflection of my figure on the mirror, I was ashamed to myself. He was a gorgeous and manly prince, but what was I? I was nothing. I don’t have a handsome face like his. I have indeed a pair of long legs just like him as I’m so tall myself, but I walked awkwardly and I couldn’t walk elegantly just the way he walked. I don’t have beautiful eyes like him and I hate the way they mismatched in every awkward possibility. That’s why I wore glasses to hide them. I was ugly, period. But how could I dare myself for ever thinking that I could compare myself with him? Oh well…
It was the other day when I saw him again and the thought of him invaded my mind. I was busy thinking about him that I didn’t realize he had turned his face and caught me staring at him. For seconds our eyes met my body seemed to freeze. I didn’t have the strength to look away as if everything in his eyes was pulling me deeper. It felt like magic, and just like the way magic worked, it ended too soon as I snapped back to reality the moment he flashed his smile at me. I was so embarrassed of being caught staring at him so I did the first thing that came to my mind: Fixing my backpack on my shoulder and then ran away.
I didn’t know what was playing with my life, I kept seeing him everyday, coincidentally meeting him in the hallway, at the library, in the cafeteria, everywhere. I was scared. I kept asking: did he stalk me, or worse, did he think that I was stalking him? And honestly, I could feel that sometimes, he was staring at me with curiosity written all over his face whenever we were at the same place. And I asked myself why. Why would he stare at me like that, curious over something that wasn’t worth to be curious at?
Until that day... The day he walked to my table in the secluded area at the library. Offering me his smile, he greeted me as he told me his name. Jung Yunho. That’s his name. He told me that he wanted to know me and become my friend. I was startled at him when he extended his hand, offering me to shake it. But I was only staring at him timidly. Fear crept to my heart so fast that I can’t even help my self, and the next second, I found myself collecting all of my books and walking away, leaving him dumbfounded at the spot where he stood.
I wasn’t sure about what happened back then, but I was sure about something: I was a coward. But what can I do? Being a loner for all my life had taught me not to trust people.
Though I didn’t want, but I kept on thinking about that incidence, about him. I kept asking myself, why would he want to be friends with me? After all I was always neglected and abandoned, someone who was unwanted even by his own parents, the awkward boy who doesn’t, can’t, talk. Why? I was asking and asking, but eventually I kept myself believing that he was might be the same with everybody. I told myself, that no matter what happened, I wouldn’t let myself get disappointed and have my heart broken. Because I knew, once he knows about how useless I am, he would leave me.
I used to be only with myself and only me, and I was fine without anyone, so I thought that I didn’t need any friend. I didn’t need him.
I thought the rejection I gave him that time would make him give up on me; I wasn’t expecting anything from him anyway. But I was wrong. He was very stubborn and so persistent that no matter how much I ignored him, no matter how many times I ran and pushed him away, he seemed to never get tired of trying to get close to me. You know? I wasn’t happy with his effort to get closer to me, because it made his ‘fan club’—or so they would call themselves—unhappy. If they were unhappy with him getting close to me, or what their accusation of my stealing his attention, then the torture that I got was more and more brutal each day. What I’ve got was not only a bleeding nose or mouth or ripped books or broken glasses. It was more than that. Once they even got me thrown into the university pool in fully clothes in winter. I really thanked God that it wasn’t snowing, but I got a fever for going home in soaked clothes afterwards with no one to take care of me. They cornered me after classes, throwing punches all over my body, pretending that I was their punching bag while their mouth was cursing and muttering all the dirty and hurtful words they could ever think of. And I still thanked God that I was enabled to walk home, even though the pain that I felt all over my body was excruciatingly killing me inside. I realized that I was weak, that I didn’t have any strength to protect myself, so the only thing I could do was helplessly endure how they treated me. I would have gotten used to it anyway, because the story of my life would never change, that it is my fate to endure such a miserable life.
But then, the only Jung Yunho had proven me wrong… The next time they wanted to begin their torturing ritual on me, he was there. He was saving me, with his strong and built body, he stood by me. He didn’t let them laid even a finger on my skin.
He was protecting me.
When they had gone, leaving me into his care with his concerned and warm eyes looking at me, I started to break down. It was the first time I cried in front of somebody else in a very long time. I couldn’t even remember when it was the last time I cried myself out like that moment. I could assure you, it wasn’t because of any physical damage, but what he did struck right through my cold heart, spreading a warm feeling that I had never ever felt before. Because for the first time in my life… I felt safe.
It was strange, just with his simple action, he was making me wanted to believe again, want to once again have a dream that I had tried to forget. The dream of being able to love and to be loved that I had left behind once again flashed before my eyes.
He was surprising me by the fact that he already knew about my disability and he didn’t want me to worry, because he didn’t care at all about that. He told me, just because he wanted to be my friend. And again, his words touched me. At first, deep inside, I was still afraid because this was too good to be true and I was scared that everything was just temporary, that in the end, he would abandon me again. But as I saw through his dark orbs, they made me drowned in the ocean of gentleness. As if he was trying to teach me to crave for the kindness he tried to submit from the way he smiles. As if he was trying to assure me that I will be okay. As if he wanted to tell me to trust him, believe in him in every the soothing touch that he implied on me.
And finally, I gave in. I let him walked me home and for the first time in my life, I let someone else entering my house, invading the space that I thought would never be touched by anybody else but me. And just as awkward as it was, I let him taking care of me. He didn’t talk much, but every touch that he applied to my bruised body was so gentle. Every time I gasped silently in pain, he would quickly rubbing it soothingly, trying his best not to hurt me and leaving me more pain that I had already felt. It was so careful, so caring in ways that I thought I would never able to do to myself. And by the time he had settled me comfortably on my bed after making me a cup of ramen to eat, he excused himself. But before he had the time to leave, I shoved a paper into his palm. He read and smiled assuredly at me once again before he left.
On that piece of paper, I wrote a line of ‘thank you for helping me’ and a name; my name.
We began to get to know each other, and I opened up myself to him a little by little, revealing every expression and feelings only to him. Even though he didn’t understand sign language, he never gave up on me. He always smiled and never turned me down. Despite his tight schedule, he seemed always have time to spent with me. We spent times at the library or having lunch at the cafeteria. He even managed to help me at the bookstore, ignoring the fact that I wasn’t happy for troubling him because he was too stubborn to listen. And the most important part, it was him. It was because of Jung Yunho that I would be able to walk around the university area without being cornered by some bunch of people who liked bullying me. I never again had the bleeding nose, the ripped books, or broken glasses, or even walking home with injuries covering up my body. It was because he always stood beside me, made sure that I was walking home safely.
After classes, we always sat at the library, taking a seat at the table at the corner so no one could distract our discussion. He was usually the talkative one, and I would listen to him, occasionally giving him my opinion written on a piece of paper. That was our unique way to communicate to each other and he seemed to never get tired on it which I appreciated so much. From our conversations, I learned about his family. Before he lived alone in his apartment, he used to live with his parents and a younger sister. His father is a lawyer and always wanted him to follow his footsteps and expecting him to be a lawyer too, so that’s why he studied law in our university.
I had once asked him whether studying law and become a lawyer are his dream as well, but he only smiled and I knew right away that I wasn’t supposed to bring that subject up in our conversation. But later I found his fascination to music and just how much he wanted to learn music. He can play piano and he played beautifully. He once played for me his favorite song using the piano inside our university music hall and I can’t keep my eyes away from him while he played it. Probably it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen coming from a man. His eyes were closed and his lips curved into a small soft smile accentuated his handsome face perfectly. As I closed my eyes as well, the sound of his piano played softly and gently in my ear. The tunes were dancing and created a harmonious melody that only Yunho’s fingers could create, and it warmed my heart with an extremely unexplainable feeling. From that point, I concluded that music is his world, his soul that could never be separated from Yunho.
In my eyes, Yunho was simply a caring and gentle person. Even though he was popular, but he told me he didn’t like to be surrounded by people very much. It annoyed him, in fact, but he never had the heart to push them away from him, so he just let them. Yes, it was showing just how kind he was to everyone.
Yunho was my first best friend, and I had a sweet spot for him inside of my heart that I didn’t realize until it made me fallen into him deeper and deeper.
XX, all these times, I thought that I would never have the chance to feel love in my heart again. Because my heart was too cold to feel warm, too protective for being open for somebody else except myself, and too afraid of being hurt (I could still feel it though), but somehow, Yunho was made the exception. He pulled me into his world. He showered me with his friendship, gentleness and caring attitude, and then I realized I could never run away from him. In fact, everything he did, it kept me coming over and over again to his side. And have I told you that I had fallen in love with him? If I haven’t, I’m telling you yes, I had fallen in love with him. But being in love with him doesn’t turn me into a different person. Yes, I was still afraid, and too cowardly to admit that I loved him as he became an important person in my life, and I couldn’t stand the image of him going away from my side with a look of disgust that I knew would be expressed in his face once he knows that I loved him. So because of that fear, I decided to keep this love deep inside my heart forever. I didn’t mind that my love for him had to be a one sided love. As long as I could be with him, then everything would be worth it.
But everything changed that night when he invited me to his apartment and he accommodated me with a simple candle light dinner after cooking my favorite dishes. I was very surprised at what he did as he guided me to my seat and then took a seat across mine. The dinner was fun as I listening to his story, his jokes that I would silently laughed at, and at top of that, it was the happiest moment in my entire life when he walked towards my side. He went down on his knees and asking me whether I wanted to be his. I was surprised and I still can’t believe the fact he was asking me to be his was real, that it was Jung Yunho who was in front of me. I didn’t even dare to dream that something like this would eventually happen to my life. But it was never a dream. At least the warmth of his hands on mine when he held them wasn’t a dream.
And then, when I finally aware of the situation, I freed my hands from his hold, reaching for a piece of paper and with a trembling hand I wrote a line to ask him. ‘Why me?’ Actually there were so many words that I wanted to write, but my hand was too shaking that I can’t write any more than those two words, but I thought they were enough.
By the time I handed him the paper, I didn’t realize that my face was already became a mess as hot tears running down freely to my cheek until Yunho brought a hand to wipe them out from my face gently. After that, he took a glance to the paper, at the words that I had written. He smiled. He stood and he gathered my face into his hands, looking deeply into my eyes with his determined ones and then leaned down to press his lips on mine. He whispered to me between kisses: ‘I love you. That’s why.’
Everything that happened that night was the most beautiful moments in my life. They would forever linger in my memories as long as I have a beating heart and air to gasp.
That night I let him taking me. I let him taking over the access of my heart and the control of my body as he hovered over me and rained kisses all over it until he left me breathless. Every touch that he brushed onto my skin was always making me squirmed embarrassingly and I left my mouth open in silent gasps over and over again every time he touched the sensitive parts of my body that I never discovered until then. He was really beautiful, that I’m sure no words could ever describe the sparkling glow of his features. It was like a dream come true that I felt I could die in every seconds of it as we made love for the first time.
Oh God, I love him so much. I really wanted to tell him that with my own mouth, but I can’t. I fucking can’t. And probably it was the first time I asked God, why I was born with this disability. It was only a simple ‘I love you’, but I can’t tell Yunho that phrase with my own mouth, with my own voice.
It was unfair, but well, I could accept the way I am and my disability before, so why not now? (Insert a smile here)
As now, we are living together in his apartment as we promised to take care and support each other. I am a writer and I have sold a satisfied amounts copy of books a couple of months ago. And Yunho, one day around our first year together had been realized that he wanted to learn more about music. He gave up his effort to be a lawyer for it wasn’t his dream, for it was his father’s dream and was enrolled in a music school in Seoul. It caused a problem between him and his father but it didn’t falter him. He took piano classes and sometimes he still played the song that he played for me the first time we became friends. He asked me whether I didn’t get tired to listen to the same song everyday and I told him no, because it is my favorite song. It was the song which left a deep impression on me about him (though I didn’t tell him this).
I can’t say that our life together is perfect, because nothing is perfect, but we are happy. We still had our fights, always, but it only made our love grew stronger and stronger each fallen day. And the next month will be our third year of anniversary. It will be three years since we became us and everything became ours.
XX, I really feel content right now. He taught me everything. He taught me to believe. He taught me to open up myself. He taught me that it is okay to lean on somebody. And the most important thing, he taught me love. He was my first friend, my first love and lover. And he is the only person who really accepted my disability earnestly. If it was for him, I really don’t mind if I have to lose my ability to see, to feel, to hear, to taste, if it’s going to lead me right to his love, and I would give all of that if he asks me to.
I understand that there are still many things that Yunho and I haven’t yet to experience, that our journey is still far from an end, but I’m sure whether it’s tomorrow, next month, next year and the next year, I still want to explore this world with its bad and good sides together with him, and live to see his smile and make him happy. I wish that this love would last forever and ever until the time death does us apart.
Thank you, XX, for reading this letter from someone you have no idea who it is. And I hope that you’ll have experience this wonderful feeling, to be in love.
Have a great day.
Min.
Changmin sighed. He put the pen down and stretching his arms up when the tiredness reached to him after writing for such a long letter. He glanced at the exactly six white papers full of his handwriting and lifted them to read it for one more time. He nodded, satisfied with what he had written and after that he rolled the papers together into a scroll, he reached for a purple ribbon next to him to tie them together. He then stood up, moving to his bed to take a red balloon and tied his letter with its string. He moved again and this time not stopping until he reached the window at the side of the room with the balloon in his right hand.
A smile crept on his face, eyes mismatched, as he lifted the balloon up right outside the window and let it flies. Fly away into the sky with his story and he couldn’t stop watching it higher and higher, hoping that it would land somewhere save and have someone to read it. He wasn’t expecting an answer, he just wanted to share, that probably someone, with the same disability with him, or maybe a different disability, would read his story and it would help them to face this world or maybe help them to begin their own search for a happy ending, just like him. Because he now believes that every story has their unique ending.
He was still in a dazed of thoughts when a pair of arms encircled around his waist. He smiled again, not feeling the need to turn around because he knew exactly whose arms they were.
“What are you doing?” Yunho asked gently in his ear, and Changmin leaned to his touch as he shook his head softly.
“But why are you smiling while looking outside? Is there something taking your interest?” He asked again curiously.
Changmin finally turned his body to face his lover‘s handsome face, tracing the faded scar under Yunho’s eyes that he had long discovered with his finger. He then sighed contently while looking into his lover’s eyes. Yunho frowned and Changmin made a gesture with his hands which Yunho didn’t understand.
“Err.. Minnie.. I don’t understand..” He said with apologetic tone and Changmin chuckled.
He pulled away from Yunho’s secure arms and found a piece of paper and pen. He wrote something and shoved the paper onto Yunho’s chest.
If you want to live with me forever, you should master the sign language soon, Yunho-yah. After all, I’ve showed you the gestures so many times.
Changmin pouted. Yunho was looking at the paper and then to Changmin, and then back to the paper. He sighed and scratching the back of his neck while muttering, “Yeah, I guess I have to do that. And FYI, I’m trying my best, you know.” Yunho pouted. In fact, he was already familiar with the gestures, but really, it was hard to remember the meaning since it was too many gestures he had to memorize.
Yunho’s reaction earned a wide smile from Changmin as he took the paper from Yunho’s hand and then wrote another line.
Earlier I was saying that I Love You, pabooo. Remember that!!!!
Yunho laughed heartily when he read the line. “At least you still love this pabo.” He commented with a clear chuckle and Changmin could only roll his eyes but the smile never faded away from his rosy lips.
Yunho grabbed Changmin by his wrist and pulling his body flushed with him. He held Changmin tight and pecking Changmin’s lips before wrapping his arms to his lover’s waist. Yunho rested his chin on Changmin’s shoulder and he said, “I love you too, my dear Minnie.”
END
Dear XX,
Wherever and whoever you are, I just wanted to say hello. If you happen to find this letter and read it, I am very sorry if everything written disturbs your lovely day. I just wanted to share everything I feel at the moment.
My name… Well, you can call me Min. I’m 24 years old, and I am mute. Yes... I was born with the inability to speak. Until now, I don’t know the person who had delivered me into this world, because they left me in front of the orphanage door when I was barely three months only with a note that informing my name, my birth date and my disability. All these times I’ve been wondering, was my disability became their reason for abandoning me at the orphanage? That they didn’t want a kid with an inability to speak words for the rest of his life?
I’m not complaining though. I don’t blame them, and wherever they are, I just wish for their happiness and hoping that they will have a child whom they proud of.
Well, life was never easy for me. I do accept that I was mute, but unfortunately there were people who made fun of me. They told me that I was a weird kid who cannot speak or cry, but no matter how much they harassed me, how much they tortured me, I didn’t cry. I never felt loved, not in the orphanage, not at school. I didn’t have any friend, because for them it was annoying to have a geek friend who communicates with sign language they don’t understand. Not mention the teachers who didn’t bother to talk to me, pretending I was never in any of their classes. I understood that, so I willingly kept myself away from them, hanging around by myself at the library, reading as much as I could, because books were the only thing in the world not protesting my inability. I liked to read books, writing, and listening to songs even though I can’t sing.
When I finally graduated from high school, I was encouraged myself to get myself out of the orphanage to live by my own with the little money I had been saved since I was still at middle school. I was dreaming that someday I would free from the orphanage and find my own path of living. And yes, after leaving the orphanage, I rented a small, dirty, cheap apartment. I thought that it was okay, as long as I have a place that I could call it home, a shelter that can protect me from the world which never being kind to me. Besides, it looks wonderful once I had it cleaned.
From that day, I was living on my own and worked for paying rent, food and a saving account. I kept two jobs at the same time. At first, it was hard to find anyone who would want to hire a mute person, but an owner of the bookstore in the town gave me a job at night to arrange the books on the shelves and clean the whole shop. It was easy, but not enough, so I found another job at the mall for a cleaning service, and I worked from 8 in the morning to 5 in the afternoon. It was exhausting, but I couldn’t complain. As long as I could live and support my self, it was enough.
I continued my life with working, working and working myself out until I had enough money to pay university tuition. At the age of 20, I still have a passion to study, and I loved to study. As I told you before, I liked reading and writing, so I decided to study literature at the nearby university.
I gave up my job at the mall because of university schedules, but still keeping the job at the bookstore as I still need to earn money.
Can you guess, XX? At first, I thought that everything was going to be different when I entered the university life. I was hoping that maybe finally I could have a normal life, be sociable by having a group of friends, hang out just like everybody does, or if I were lucky enough I could find someone to love and love me unconditionally…
But I was wrong.
I put too much hope in it and once again I had to face the reality that nobody wants me; a wish that I have about that normal life shattered in an instance, because by the time they knew about my disability, they started to keep a distance away from me. Some of them even started bullying me and harassing me. My childhood life that I dreamed I wouldn’t have to face again in the future slowly but surely started to haunt me like a nightmare that won’t stop playing every time I closed my eyes.
It really hurt me so much. Didn’t I deserve some kind of appreciation and respect from others? I’m still human, for God’s sake. Whether I can speak or not, I still have the right to be treated well by people. So why? Why can’t I have a peaceful day without a bleeding nose or broken glasses or ripped books every time I walked home?
I felt enough. No more dreaming, and keeping myself away from anybody became the best solution for me to protect myself at that moment. I closed my heart for them and at this point I began to lose my faith in other people.
But XX, there’s one person, and I’m telling you, he’s different.
We met for the first time in the hallway of the university when I rushed to the bathroom to clean up my bleeding mouth after my ritual torturing, accidentally bumping to each other. He was angry when I bumped onto him and I didn’t even say sorry, but when he was taking a close look at me, he asked me, with a concerned ‘are you okay? You’re bleeding.’ I didn’t answer him though; I just quickly ran away from him.
It was a new feeling for me, when I played his concerned voice asking me over and over again in the back of my head. It was my first time having someone asked me a question like that. But shrugging it off from my mind, I didn’t put to much thought on it. But as if fate (or destiny, I don’t know) wanted him to make presence in front of me, the next day, I saw him again. From my observation, he was really different from me. He was popular, often surrounded by people, boys and girls. Everyone loved him, because he was a great student with perfect grades, and perfect appearances. He had a tall and slender body, a pair of long legs, a small but firm face with almond shaped eyes, pointy nose and also a pair of lip that everybody would like to taste. When I looked at the reflection of my figure on the mirror, I was ashamed to myself. He was a gorgeous and manly prince, but what was I? I was nothing. I don’t have a handsome face like his. I have indeed a pair of long legs just like him as I’m so tall myself, but I walked awkwardly and I couldn’t walk elegantly just the way he walked. I don’t have beautiful eyes like him and I hate the way they mismatched in every awkward possibility. That’s why I wore glasses to hide them. I was ugly, period. But how could I dare myself for ever thinking that I could compare myself with him? Oh well…
It was the other day when I saw him again and the thought of him invaded my mind. I was busy thinking about him that I didn’t realize he had turned his face and caught me staring at him. For seconds our eyes met my body seemed to freeze. I didn’t have the strength to look away as if everything in his eyes was pulling me deeper. It felt like magic, and just like the way magic worked, it ended too soon as I snapped back to reality the moment he flashed his smile at me. I was so embarrassed of being caught staring at him so I did the first thing that came to my mind: Fixing my backpack on my shoulder and then ran away.
I didn’t know what was playing with my life, I kept seeing him everyday, coincidentally meeting him in the hallway, at the library, in the cafeteria, everywhere. I was scared. I kept asking: did he stalk me, or worse, did he think that I was stalking him? And honestly, I could feel that sometimes, he was staring at me with curiosity written all over his face whenever we were at the same place. And I asked myself why. Why would he stare at me like that, curious over something that wasn’t worth to be curious at?
Until that day... The day he walked to my table in the secluded area at the library. Offering me his smile, he greeted me as he told me his name. Jung Yunho. That’s his name. He told me that he wanted to know me and become my friend. I was startled at him when he extended his hand, offering me to shake it. But I was only staring at him timidly. Fear crept to my heart so fast that I can’t even help my self, and the next second, I found myself collecting all of my books and walking away, leaving him dumbfounded at the spot where he stood.
I wasn’t sure about what happened back then, but I was sure about something: I was a coward. But what can I do? Being a loner for all my life had taught me not to trust people.
Though I didn’t want, but I kept on thinking about that incidence, about him. I kept asking myself, why would he want to be friends with me? After all I was always neglected and abandoned, someone who was unwanted even by his own parents, the awkward boy who doesn’t, can’t, talk. Why? I was asking and asking, but eventually I kept myself believing that he was might be the same with everybody. I told myself, that no matter what happened, I wouldn’t let myself get disappointed and have my heart broken. Because I knew, once he knows about how useless I am, he would leave me.
I used to be only with myself and only me, and I was fine without anyone, so I thought that I didn’t need any friend. I didn’t need him.
I thought the rejection I gave him that time would make him give up on me; I wasn’t expecting anything from him anyway. But I was wrong. He was very stubborn and so persistent that no matter how much I ignored him, no matter how many times I ran and pushed him away, he seemed to never get tired of trying to get close to me. You know? I wasn’t happy with his effort to get closer to me, because it made his ‘fan club’—or so they would call themselves—unhappy. If they were unhappy with him getting close to me, or what their accusation of my stealing his attention, then the torture that I got was more and more brutal each day. What I’ve got was not only a bleeding nose or mouth or ripped books or broken glasses. It was more than that. Once they even got me thrown into the university pool in fully clothes in winter. I really thanked God that it wasn’t snowing, but I got a fever for going home in soaked clothes afterwards with no one to take care of me. They cornered me after classes, throwing punches all over my body, pretending that I was their punching bag while their mouth was cursing and muttering all the dirty and hurtful words they could ever think of. And I still thanked God that I was enabled to walk home, even though the pain that I felt all over my body was excruciatingly killing me inside. I realized that I was weak, that I didn’t have any strength to protect myself, so the only thing I could do was helplessly endure how they treated me. I would have gotten used to it anyway, because the story of my life would never change, that it is my fate to endure such a miserable life.
But then, the only Jung Yunho had proven me wrong… The next time they wanted to begin their torturing ritual on me, he was there. He was saving me, with his strong and built body, he stood by me. He didn’t let them laid even a finger on my skin.
He was protecting me.
When they had gone, leaving me into his care with his concerned and warm eyes looking at me, I started to break down. It was the first time I cried in front of somebody else in a very long time. I couldn’t even remember when it was the last time I cried myself out like that moment. I could assure you, it wasn’t because of any physical damage, but what he did struck right through my cold heart, spreading a warm feeling that I had never ever felt before. Because for the first time in my life… I felt safe.
It was strange, just with his simple action, he was making me wanted to believe again, want to once again have a dream that I had tried to forget. The dream of being able to love and to be loved that I had left behind once again flashed before my eyes.
He was surprising me by the fact that he already knew about my disability and he didn’t want me to worry, because he didn’t care at all about that. He told me, just because he wanted to be my friend. And again, his words touched me. At first, deep inside, I was still afraid because this was too good to be true and I was scared that everything was just temporary, that in the end, he would abandon me again. But as I saw through his dark orbs, they made me drowned in the ocean of gentleness. As if he was trying to teach me to crave for the kindness he tried to submit from the way he smiles. As if he was trying to assure me that I will be okay. As if he wanted to tell me to trust him, believe in him in every the soothing touch that he implied on me.
And finally, I gave in. I let him walked me home and for the first time in my life, I let someone else entering my house, invading the space that I thought would never be touched by anybody else but me. And just as awkward as it was, I let him taking care of me. He didn’t talk much, but every touch that he applied to my bruised body was so gentle. Every time I gasped silently in pain, he would quickly rubbing it soothingly, trying his best not to hurt me and leaving me more pain that I had already felt. It was so careful, so caring in ways that I thought I would never able to do to myself. And by the time he had settled me comfortably on my bed after making me a cup of ramen to eat, he excused himself. But before he had the time to leave, I shoved a paper into his palm. He read and smiled assuredly at me once again before he left.
On that piece of paper, I wrote a line of ‘thank you for helping me’ and a name; my name.
We began to get to know each other, and I opened up myself to him a little by little, revealing every expression and feelings only to him. Even though he didn’t understand sign language, he never gave up on me. He always smiled and never turned me down. Despite his tight schedule, he seemed always have time to spent with me. We spent times at the library or having lunch at the cafeteria. He even managed to help me at the bookstore, ignoring the fact that I wasn’t happy for troubling him because he was too stubborn to listen. And the most important part, it was him. It was because of Jung Yunho that I would be able to walk around the university area without being cornered by some bunch of people who liked bullying me. I never again had the bleeding nose, the ripped books, or broken glasses, or even walking home with injuries covering up my body. It was because he always stood beside me, made sure that I was walking home safely.
After classes, we always sat at the library, taking a seat at the table at the corner so no one could distract our discussion. He was usually the talkative one, and I would listen to him, occasionally giving him my opinion written on a piece of paper. That was our unique way to communicate to each other and he seemed to never get tired on it which I appreciated so much. From our conversations, I learned about his family. Before he lived alone in his apartment, he used to live with his parents and a younger sister. His father is a lawyer and always wanted him to follow his footsteps and expecting him to be a lawyer too, so that’s why he studied law in our university.
I had once asked him whether studying law and become a lawyer are his dream as well, but he only smiled and I knew right away that I wasn’t supposed to bring that subject up in our conversation. But later I found his fascination to music and just how much he wanted to learn music. He can play piano and he played beautifully. He once played for me his favorite song using the piano inside our university music hall and I can’t keep my eyes away from him while he played it. Probably it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen coming from a man. His eyes were closed and his lips curved into a small soft smile accentuated his handsome face perfectly. As I closed my eyes as well, the sound of his piano played softly and gently in my ear. The tunes were dancing and created a harmonious melody that only Yunho’s fingers could create, and it warmed my heart with an extremely unexplainable feeling. From that point, I concluded that music is his world, his soul that could never be separated from Yunho.
In my eyes, Yunho was simply a caring and gentle person. Even though he was popular, but he told me he didn’t like to be surrounded by people very much. It annoyed him, in fact, but he never had the heart to push them away from him, so he just let them. Yes, it was showing just how kind he was to everyone.
Yunho was my first best friend, and I had a sweet spot for him inside of my heart that I didn’t realize until it made me fallen into him deeper and deeper.
XX, all these times, I thought that I would never have the chance to feel love in my heart again. Because my heart was too cold to feel warm, too protective for being open for somebody else except myself, and too afraid of being hurt (I could still feel it though), but somehow, Yunho was made the exception. He pulled me into his world. He showered me with his friendship, gentleness and caring attitude, and then I realized I could never run away from him. In fact, everything he did, it kept me coming over and over again to his side. And have I told you that I had fallen in love with him? If I haven’t, I’m telling you yes, I had fallen in love with him. But being in love with him doesn’t turn me into a different person. Yes, I was still afraid, and too cowardly to admit that I loved him as he became an important person in my life, and I couldn’t stand the image of him going away from my side with a look of disgust that I knew would be expressed in his face once he knows that I loved him. So because of that fear, I decided to keep this love deep inside my heart forever. I didn’t mind that my love for him had to be a one sided love. As long as I could be with him, then everything would be worth it.
But everything changed that night when he invited me to his apartment and he accommodated me with a simple candle light dinner after cooking my favorite dishes. I was very surprised at what he did as he guided me to my seat and then took a seat across mine. The dinner was fun as I listening to his story, his jokes that I would silently laughed at, and at top of that, it was the happiest moment in my entire life when he walked towards my side. He went down on his knees and asking me whether I wanted to be his. I was surprised and I still can’t believe the fact he was asking me to be his was real, that it was Jung Yunho who was in front of me. I didn’t even dare to dream that something like this would eventually happen to my life. But it was never a dream. At least the warmth of his hands on mine when he held them wasn’t a dream.
And then, when I finally aware of the situation, I freed my hands from his hold, reaching for a piece of paper and with a trembling hand I wrote a line to ask him. ‘Why me?’ Actually there were so many words that I wanted to write, but my hand was too shaking that I can’t write any more than those two words, but I thought they were enough.
By the time I handed him the paper, I didn’t realize that my face was already became a mess as hot tears running down freely to my cheek until Yunho brought a hand to wipe them out from my face gently. After that, he took a glance to the paper, at the words that I had written. He smiled. He stood and he gathered my face into his hands, looking deeply into my eyes with his determined ones and then leaned down to press his lips on mine. He whispered to me between kisses: ‘I love you. That’s why.’
Everything that happened that night was the most beautiful moments in my life. They would forever linger in my memories as long as I have a beating heart and air to gasp.
That night I let him taking me. I let him taking over the access of my heart and the control of my body as he hovered over me and rained kisses all over it until he left me breathless. Every touch that he brushed onto my skin was always making me squirmed embarrassingly and I left my mouth open in silent gasps over and over again every time he touched the sensitive parts of my body that I never discovered until then. He was really beautiful, that I’m sure no words could ever describe the sparkling glow of his features. It was like a dream come true that I felt I could die in every seconds of it as we made love for the first time.
Oh God, I love him so much. I really wanted to tell him that with my own mouth, but I can’t. I fucking can’t. And probably it was the first time I asked God, why I was born with this disability. It was only a simple ‘I love you’, but I can’t tell Yunho that phrase with my own mouth, with my own voice.
It was unfair, but well, I could accept the way I am and my disability before, so why not now? (Insert a smile here)
As now, we are living together in his apartment as we promised to take care and support each other. I am a writer and I have sold a satisfied amounts copy of books a couple of months ago. And Yunho, one day around our first year together had been realized that he wanted to learn more about music. He gave up his effort to be a lawyer for it wasn’t his dream, for it was his father’s dream and was enrolled in a music school in Seoul. It caused a problem between him and his father but it didn’t falter him. He took piano classes and sometimes he still played the song that he played for me the first time we became friends. He asked me whether I didn’t get tired to listen to the same song everyday and I told him no, because it is my favorite song. It was the song which left a deep impression on me about him (though I didn’t tell him this).
I can’t say that our life together is perfect, because nothing is perfect, but we are happy. We still had our fights, always, but it only made our love grew stronger and stronger each fallen day. And the next month will be our third year of anniversary. It will be three years since we became us and everything became ours.
XX, I really feel content right now. He taught me everything. He taught me to believe. He taught me to open up myself. He taught me that it is okay to lean on somebody. And the most important thing, he taught me love. He was my first friend, my first love and lover. And he is the only person who really accepted my disability earnestly. If it was for him, I really don’t mind if I have to lose my ability to see, to feel, to hear, to taste, if it’s going to lead me right to his love, and I would give all of that if he asks me to.
I understand that there are still many things that Yunho and I haven’t yet to experience, that our journey is still far from an end, but I’m sure whether it’s tomorrow, next month, next year and the next year, I still want to explore this world with its bad and good sides together with him, and live to see his smile and make him happy. I wish that this love would last forever and ever until the time death does us apart.
Thank you, XX, for reading this letter from someone you have no idea who it is. And I hope that you’ll have experience this wonderful feeling, to be in love.
Have a great day.
Min.
Changmin sighed. He put the pen down and stretching his arms up when the tiredness reached to him after writing for such a long letter. He glanced at the exactly six white papers full of his handwriting and lifted them to read it for one more time. He nodded, satisfied with what he had written and after that he rolled the papers together into a scroll, he reached for a purple ribbon next to him to tie them together. He then stood up, moving to his bed to take a red balloon and tied his letter with its string. He moved again and this time not stopping until he reached the window at the side of the room with the balloon in his right hand.
A smile crept on his face, eyes mismatched, as he lifted the balloon up right outside the window and let it flies. Fly away into the sky with his story and he couldn’t stop watching it higher and higher, hoping that it would land somewhere save and have someone to read it. He wasn’t expecting an answer, he just wanted to share, that probably someone, with the same disability with him, or maybe a different disability, would read his story and it would help them to face this world or maybe help them to begin their own search for a happy ending, just like him. Because he now believes that every story has their unique ending.
He was still in a dazed of thoughts when a pair of arms encircled around his waist. He smiled again, not feeling the need to turn around because he knew exactly whose arms they were.
“What are you doing?” Yunho asked gently in his ear, and Changmin leaned to his touch as he shook his head softly.
“But why are you smiling while looking outside? Is there something taking your interest?” He asked again curiously.
Changmin finally turned his body to face his lover‘s handsome face, tracing the faded scar under Yunho’s eyes that he had long discovered with his finger. He then sighed contently while looking into his lover’s eyes. Yunho frowned and Changmin made a gesture with his hands which Yunho didn’t understand.
“Err.. Minnie.. I don’t understand..” He said with apologetic tone and Changmin chuckled.
He pulled away from Yunho’s secure arms and found a piece of paper and pen. He wrote something and shoved the paper onto Yunho’s chest.
If you want to live with me forever, you should master the sign language soon, Yunho-yah. After all, I’ve showed you the gestures so many times.
Changmin pouted. Yunho was looking at the paper and then to Changmin, and then back to the paper. He sighed and scratching the back of his neck while muttering, “Yeah, I guess I have to do that. And FYI, I’m trying my best, you know.” Yunho pouted. In fact, he was already familiar with the gestures, but really, it was hard to remember the meaning since it was too many gestures he had to memorize.
Yunho’s reaction earned a wide smile from Changmin as he took the paper from Yunho’s hand and then wrote another line.
Earlier I was saying that I Love You, pabooo. Remember that!!!!
Yunho laughed heartily when he read the line. “At least you still love this pabo.” He commented with a clear chuckle and Changmin could only roll his eyes but the smile never faded away from his rosy lips.
Yunho grabbed Changmin by his wrist and pulling his body flushed with him. He held Changmin tight and pecking Changmin’s lips before wrapping his arms to his lover’s waist. Yunho rested his chin on Changmin’s shoulder and he said, “I love you too, my dear Minnie.”
END
So, what do you think ??
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